Self-care is not about self-indulgence, it is about self-preservation.
-Audrey Lorde [A Burst of Light and Other Essays]
I keep saying her story isn’t mine to tell. But to be truthful, I keep holding back on sharing my story because it’s her story that affects me so. This is what our days look like…. day after day, week after week… her actions, behaviors, decisions, and choices affect us all… but they are hers.
I told my mother last week I don’t often call because I don’t have much positive to say.
Yes – life is good. I have amazing support, a loving partner, work to do, friends who care. And I’m starting to take time for myself… here and there in an effort to connect with myself and others on a different level. I’m starting to bridge the large space between my physical and mental health and the effects of those things my daughter’s mental health has.
Closing the Gap
Because of her story… the physical effects on my body are tremendous.
Because of her story… her physical health isn’t great either.
Bridging physical health and psychological health can be tricky.
After my third migraine this month, I can’t say I’m doing well with this particular challenge. 
However, I can say I’ve learned a few tricks that might help others.
First, I’ve lived with incredibly high anxiety my whole life. It’s gotten so bad before I’ve had to ask drivers pull over so I could get out of a vehicle. Anxiety so driven to alter my world, I’ve told myself I’d be better off just walking home from thirty miles away rather than get back in the car. (I didn’t do that, but I did stay in a parking lot for some time just breathing.)
Counting
For anxiety, especially anxiety that stops motion or anxiety that creeps in as a symptom of a situation, counting helps me.
My mind must be distracted. So, I have to count something tangible. Lines, spots, cabinet doors, tiles on the floor – and if I can visualize a pattern there, all the better.
Just count. Don’t think… just count.
Breathing & Peppermint
This is absolutely the most difficult for me. We’ve all heard it since we were little. Take ten deep breaths (well, counting breaths doesn’t help for me, but maybe some people could roll breathing and counting into one anxiety-relieving activity.
It takes a long time to breathe deeply ten times. And… that’s the point.
For me, it’s too long, and panic sets in before I get to breath three. In the midst of a panic attack, I have to breathe through it, or I hyperventilate and throw up. That’s never fun – that’s what kicked in a sudden migraine for me over the weekend.
I use peppermint to help open airways and really feel each breath coming in and going out. Essential oils help, but even a mint can induce this sense of calmer and more controlled breathing.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
When my daughter has panic attacks, I repeat this mantra to her and do it with her.
A drop or two of peppermint in her hands helps bring the strong scent to her face without getting it near her nose or eyes. If you use essential oils, that’s important to remember – don’t put it on your face or rub your nose or eyes if it’s on your hands. I cup my hands to my face and inhale the peppermint EO.
Recognize Non-Panic Moments
While breathing and counting through panic and highly anxious moments can help during the moment, it can be more challenging to accomplish outside of these moments.
We’re learning how to incorporate self-care into our routines – and find time to fit it in – so we’re going to make ourselves and our personal care matter all the time.
Challenge
This week, I challenge everyone to try to find those quiet moments between toddlers crying, siblings arguing, and teens self-harming to find your center at least once a day. Remember, in a quiet moment. If possible, try this before anything big happens in the house.
Do it in the shower if you need to find the time to slip it in. If you have the luxury of showering without little hands all over the shower doors… I remember those days — eternally frustrating, but I’d take them any day now over scaling a wall to pull my teen down.
Deep Breathing
- From your shower (sit on the floor and relax, Mama)
- From your bed (lie flat on your back and close your eyes)
- From a lotus position inside your closet or pantry (look… I’m a mother, I get finding quiet alone time can be really difficult)
- From your car in a parking lot (groceries can wait a few more moments)
Take a deep breath — in through the nose
Feel it and hold it in from your head to your toes.
Exhale – out through the mouth
Feel the air rushing out, leaving every space from your head to your toes. By the time this exhale is done, you should be ready to give that gift of oxygen to your brain and body again.
Rinse – if you’re in the shower
Repeat – wherever you are
If you can do this ten times a session and build up to three or more times a day of quiet deep breathing, you might find your entire core more centered with the moments of strife start later.
Yoga
Yoga takes controlled breathing to a new level. If you have time for this kind of self-love, I highly recommend yoga.
No, you don’t have to go into a studio—no need for childcare. If your life is like mine, time is a huge issue – I’ll get more into this next week – even fitting in a little class can be difficult.
If you have small children – even easier with older children, though they may argue more about it – get them involved if time is an issue.
There are free yoga videos on television or every streaming platform and cable & satellite on-demand platforms. YouTube is filled with free videos. The goal here isn’t to become the best and most knowledgeable – though if you find a new passion, pass it on and teach – the goal is to force some healthy time for yourself into your day while incorporating healthy habits like motion and controlled breathing into every moment.
Meditate
Some might say meditation is quite a lot like breathing exercises, but I see it differently. Breathing is a focus on one thing, and only that one thing.
Meditation can be thoughts of nothing — or thoughts of everything but with a controlled balance.
First thing in the morning, meditation can occur as you plan and plot your day. Don’t allow your mind to go to all the what-ifs anxiety causes – plot it step-by-step with ease and a sense of calmness. Allow the positive energy to come in, don’t handle the potential problems that may arise, don’t plan expectations or set a mental time for these tasks to be complete — just plot the day.
Alternatively, think of nothing. Breath through it, but let your body do the work it’s done bringing oxygen to your cells for your entire life. Don’t think about breathing.
Take Out The Mind Garbage
If you have trouble clearing your mind, visualize what is on your mind and take it out like garbage.
It doesn’t belong there – not now. Visualize wrapping it up and walking it outside, leave it in a trash can or just by the front door, and move on to the next thing until your mind is empty.
Meditating with an empty, clear head will take time. You may only have time at first to clear one or two things out of your head the first few times. Keep visualizing letting these things go, and eventually, mindless meditation will come easier.
Be mindful of your time and how much you can give to this challenge, and forgive yourself if you have to move on before it’s complete. Meditation is like Kegels, ladies – do it anywhere. Making dinner, while the kids are occupied, in the shower, two minutes of teeth brushing – if we had more time for ourselves, we wouldn’t have to negotiate time borrowed from hygiene routines – but we’re pressed for time, and self-care isn’t on the top of our lists — yet.
Finally, I mentioned it early, but it’s worth repeating.
Forgive Yourself
Bridging this gap between mental wellness and physical wellbeing is huge. It’ll take time. Sometimes we’ll steal that time from other tasks because we’re just surviving here…
Forgive yourself when meditation comes before the dishes. Forgive yourself when you try yoga and hate it — I’d say try again and then again (this time without that focus on perfection – maybe not nailing the pose but make breathing the balanced focus) because it takes time, but also, it’s not for everyone, and that’s okay.
Forgive yourself when you sit on your shower floor to breathe deep and just cry.
It’ll happen. And it’s okay.
Forgive yourself when you go to bed exhausted and realize you didn’t do one damn thing to care for yourself today. It’s okay – try tomorrow. You’ll learn over time how to fit these little things in, and one day, these little self-care routines will become your norm — and your family will expect it as well.
Next week, I’m going to cover time we take for ourselves and how to heal the shame that goes with putting ourselves on the list of people needing care.
Tomorrow, look for the year of hidden peanuts in the journey of discovering where and how teens fall into these mental health pits of darkness.
Until then…
Be well
~Stella
*All images courtesy Canva Pro, multi-use license