I’m Still Running — Coping Ahead

I was diagnosed with depression months ago. Not surprised. I’ve lost everything I’ve called home slowly and surely over the past several years. I’ve stood grounded in my power to continue despite my levels of security. I’ve had solid support, even when I felt my weakest. And I could do anything in love, with love, and because of love.

Then love failed me. Enter PTSD.

In a shattered world, I work on recovery… for me alone, for me as a mother, for my children, for my future, and for the chance for love to come again.

It’s interesting diving into therapy because I use the word trauma often enough, but I’ve been quite defensive about my recent diagnosis of PTSD. Heroes battle PTSD. And we feel awful and grateful for them at the same time because of their inner demons.

I am no hero. I am a mother who chose to upend the lives, worlds, and safety and security of my children to give them a joint love they’d not had before. A choice that took them from me — me from them. A choice that rocked their foundation to the core. But one with a promise that we’d slip onto a stronger foundation together… until we lost that too. The shame I carry for trusting love to remain secure as I whipped my children’s lives through immense change is enormous. And it’s mine to own and mine to carry.

Forgiveness is hard, and it’s hardest to grant ourselves.

As I travel this transparent journey, with the hope to uplift others along the way, I notice more and more my personal triggers, the beauty in life around me, and what sends me spiraling down. I’m learning to recenter, build again, stand up and dust myself off before jumping on again. And, trust me, that last bit is the toughest because running is damn easy.

Today, I sit in a quiet space of writing, building, and reflecting on change as I lost sleep again last night in fits of nightmares and eyes wide open. I could easily push newness away because it’s uncertain. It’s not safe; its rocky terrain more familiar than hiding under my blanket fort of misguided protection. And I ask myself to recenter.

Accept that which I cannot change… the choices taken from me.

Relish is that which I can control… to let newness in, to wrap it in insecurity and gratitude for being exactly where I am.

To forgive… well, that’s a bit much for a Monday, after all. But I hope to be there one day. For now, I recognize I’m still running from the raw pain — because trauma response is natural, but once we recognize it, we can begin to tame it.

There is a term in DBT [therapy] called Coping Ahead. This is the state of being mindful of where we are, what may come, and how to use our current coping skills to reduce harmful or trauma impacts ahead of time. I’m not there yet. I know this because I still sit in trauma response. I avoided a party this weekend, one I wanted to attend because this is my world (dammit), but I was mindful of the trauma response I’d have should I run into everything taken from me in one fell swoop. So, I guess, in a way, I did cope ahead. I made other plans, spent time with other people, and wondered if I was missed or not noticed… or how easy it was for lost love to be fully present in this new life without me. And let’s not forget how sad it is that lost love was able to move so quickly past me into the new and unknown without us while I sit back here in piles of pickles and peppers cleaning out before I can begin to think about moving on. That’s anger… and for another day. See? This is depression and trauma response mingling together, creating a full-on cocktail of anxiety and bewildering loss. Identifying the situation and the potential hurt allowed me to think ahead and make the best decision for me.

However, being mindful doesn’t always stop there. Trauma response from the insecure space of PTSD also meant all the questions, the moments awake, forgetting the skills I’ve developed to set aside the pain and move beyond.
Living Inside the Vulnerable means sitting right where we are, seeing ourselves, loving in this exact space, and not giving up the fight to get out, even with the pauses we need to recenter.

Today, I challenge:
Cope Ahead — look at potential obstacles, plan for the trauma response, and don’t run… but walk in a different direction. What feels safest? Then use skills to cope through the consequences of that new direction.

Triggers Ahead — Plan for the triggers that may pop up like a Jack-In-the-Box. Identify them and develop a plan to remove them, approach them with solid support and strength, or avoid them altogether. Most triggers are not planned, so be prepared for the unpreparable with a response not grounded in emotion and trauma but rather solidarity and power. Triggers take our power… so empower with a planned mindful response.

Until next time, be well. And never fear Living Inside The Vulnerable.
~Stella
2021