I’ll start with a disclosure that this is a weekly series about managing our self-care during times our children suffer from mental health challenges. Tomorrow I will start a series on my daughter’s many challenges for the past ten years and its toll on me as her mother. However, her stories are hers to tell. So, much of her story will be left out. In no way do I want to diminish her journey. In fact, I want to protect it — and her.
Almost ten years into this tale, I’m learning just how much this is my story too. I’ve lost friendships, said goodbye to loved ones, and held anger and frustration for far too long as a result of her mental health matters. As her caregiver, it’s important to recognize the care I need. I learned recently just how many of us mothers (and fathers and aunt, uncles, grandparents, foster parents, and friends) are out there battling a demon now our own. Walking this path together with a tribe of caregivers can only make us stronger.
For my first weekly check-in, I can truthfully say I can’t describe exactly how I feel. It’s this space completely unknown to me that seems to disqualify me from checking in on anyone else. I can’t even place a pulse on my own reality. However, this is the space where I live. And I know I am not alone — especially this year. I know that because each time Crisis or EMTs come to our home, they tell me how many of these mental health calls they receive each day and how much they’ve grown the longer this global pandemic lasts. The truth is, we’ve been staring a different epidemic in the face for years, and few of us know how to handle it — or how to recognize the care we each need as our children navigate the waters of mental health.
One thing I do know is how common this feeling is for caregivers riding the roller coaster up and down, spiraling around. I learned a new term today thanks to a professional on my daughter’s team. The concept of ‘splitting’ hit home as I tried to explain my daughter’s requests for a certain kind of care for almost a year now in a follow-up conversation on our path to get her that particular help. In her all-or-nothing stance, she stands firm in her defense of fighting anything we do — even if what we are doing is something she’s requested. Splitting also means we hear always or never often. “You never loved me” or “You always…” or “You never let me do what I want.”
I’ve also learned as parents, we are split, each given different information, so she has more control of her narrative. When everything is going the wrong direction, which might change depending on the day or even the goal, the communication we receive is that we are giving up and she is cheated. According to her, we’ve cheated her of the care she asked for by trying to give it to her. No, it shouldn’t make much sense.
So, how do we begin to heal and cope with the powerful force mental illness casts upon us as we try our best to steer our children back onto a path of overall wellness?
First, splitting — along with many other responses from someone suffering from mental health challenges — is a form of self-defense.
As a caregiver, try to separate from the equation. Self-defense comes in many forms, from name-calling to wild accusations or exaggerations. Step back and focus on positive changes in behavior. If necessary — and couldn’t we all use a bit of positive change now and again — tweak some personal behaviors… lecturing, engaging in lengthy conversation spinning in a circle, or bringing up different issues or incidents aren’t productive.
Remember, these self-defense mechanisms aren’t meant to be personal attacks on our character.
Second, no matter what issues your family faces, I challenge you (because I will be trying it too) to take yourself out of the insults, the accusations of always or never, and in response, instead of falling into an argument, try to remind your child just how much you love them.
If you haven’t already, begin to set healthy boundaries.
- Set limits to conversation length and topic
- Continue to keep empathic communication open during an incident but focus only on the current incident
- Don’t allow your child to control the narrative by changing the narrative.
- Don’t fight for the last word. Much of these battles will be about control, so giving up some to appease the lines of communication isn’t failing or giving in
- Communicate with empathy and without defense
If you notice an all or nothing approach — always or never or a change in plans, past, or narrative to suit the new needs of today – try to recognize it for what it is — self-defense.
For self-care, I challenge you to take at least an hour a day to yourself — with your partner, with a friend, with your other children, or alone… Find something you can do to fill your soul with love, no judgment, and some well-deserved peace.
A walk outside with a favorite audiobook, podcast, or just music that soothes the soul; an hour in the bathtub with a closed door, a drink, and a book; an hour playing video or board games with the family where mental health is completely off the table; an hour on your patio with a drink of choice from water to wine — it doesn’t matter as long as you can take some time to feel the air on your skin, exhale without interruption, and allow your mind to think and feel things outside of your daily trials.
Head into each day mindful of how much time you spend spinning wheels and continue to set boundaries to get your time back.
These times of continued contest can be the most painful. I didn’t write about my own pain today because it’s a tough day for me today. I have a migraine as well as the mental anguish last week left on me. I’m scarred. I’ll heal and come back again — week after week, but I don’t feel very strong right now.
Together, we can learn to separate ourselves, even if it’s just for small moments throughout the day, from the distress of caring for the ones we love the most who pull us down in their pain. I believe the ache I feel now is nothing like the pain my daughter feels swimming in lost dreams for a future.
Tomorrow I begin the story of a child teased, bullied, then unwell.
Until then…
Be well
~Stella
All images courtesy Canva Pro, multi-use license