I don’t even know where to start, you guys!
It has been a whirlwind of a couple of years here in Stella’s world.
The move to Arizona: the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
The move to Arizona: the worst thing I’ve ever done to myself.
Just how does one cope with both extremes at once?
I spent a year bouncing back and forth wondering, ‘What have I done?’
I’ve spent close to ten years, maybe more, I refuse to dive any deeper, living a good life. But with huge compromises.
I, like many mothers, like many wives, put myself last on every list I made. Did I need something? Surely someone in my family needed something more than I.
Did I want something? Sure, but raising children certainly pushes wants to the side. And when parents get a chance to focus on wants, we often fill our children’s buckets first.
I won’t bother to fill you with details of my downfall but know I am up again.
I won’t speak poorly of others but know I have my own story to tell.
But what I will do is remind you to look at yourself and ask where you are placed in your world today.
I encourage you to stand up for yourself. In your home. At your job. With your parents, with your children, with your spouse. Stand up and stand firm. And know I will stand with you and hold you up if you topple.
I couldn’t have rebuilt my own foundation if it weren’t for those who held me up these past two years.
I learned love is hard. And it’s unforgiving. And it is certainly conditional at times. But loving yourself is so much tougher than loving someone else. Seeing good in others is easy. They fill your flawed holes with the things you wish you had. Strength. Wisdom. Acceptance. Tolerance. Patience.
But filling those voids alone is where we thrive. When we sit with ourselves and wait for the magic moment where we accept ourselves, our mistakes, our discretions, and our flaws, our world opens to possibility.
I knew I wouldn’t be loved.
I was told I was unloveable.
I was reminded of unforgivable acts time and time again. Simple things such as asking to attend a birthday party. Unforgivable.
I was told I wasn’t worth it.
I wasn’t even sure what ‘it’ was. Nor was I sure I even wanted it.
Time and time again in my life, I have said goodbye to people who couldn’t offer me what I wanted or needed. I have said goodbye beacuse I didn’t offer what they needed or wanted either. Time and time again I have lost love to hold on to sanity.
She opened my world again.
She showed me I am loveable.
I am worth it.
And I know what ‘it’ is. Finally.
It is pure magic.
It’s love. It’s tolerance. It’s acceptance. It’s longing and yearning. It’s desire. It’s respect. It’s understanding. It’s laughing. It’s crying together. It’s a hug at the end of a long day. It’s a reminder that you are valued. It’s everything good handed to you with a smile. It’s everything bad shared because we, as social beings, shouldn’t have to feel alone. It’s forgiveness. It’s kindness. It’s gentle. It’s fierce. It’s love. Pure and simple. Gray yet filled with colors, love knows no bounds and it grows by the minute. It’s challenged and stronger, not weaker, after the run.
It’s honest. It’s lovely. It’s imperfect.
It’s not hurt. It’s not pain. It’s not cruel. It’s not guilt. It’s not hatred.
Stella is getting her groove back.
I came out to my father at nineteen years old. My heart was broken by a few women in the time before I walked away from pride and rainbows. I buried my first girlfriend. I broke a heart or two myself.
I let fear guide me along my path. Over the years, I fed a relationship that didn’t feed me back. And then I stopped feeding it. I suffered. The relationship suffered. Our children suffered.
Today, I am out again. I come to you with a notion of love.
It doesn’t matter who you love.
I am in love with a woman who was built just for me. I’ve waited for her my whole life. I looked for her in every person I’ve met. But she was never there.
Today she is here – with me. And as I fought to keep my work going here and let the world forget Stella Samuel, she was here to remind me I can come back. I can rebuild. And I can keep writing.
I’ve disappeared far too long. But I had reason.
I’m coming back. With a re-release and a new release. And I’ll kindly ask for your help bringing me back into the world of reading and writing.
I have big things going on, and I’ll need you if you’re still here. Bring a friend.
With this new publishing venture, I’ll be starting a mailing list. I hope you’ll sign up. I also hope you’ll share with people you know.
Until then, I thank you for allowing me the time to check in. Don’t forget to check in with yourself today too! You matter to so many in your world. Make sure you matter to yourself as well.